engaging softer

Soft used to mean for me slow, weak, fading.  As that layer has been unfolding and transforming as I engage in ways that are me, in my everyday life I know that its actually the contrary.  Soft is very powerful. Not as a rule or definite but the meaning that I had attached to word soft and the experience I have created attached to the word soft has been really amazing for me to experience myself in.  By staying true to the essence of who I am, the truth of the moment, the deep peace that exists in my presence and engaging from that point softens whatever is unfolding so that I experience it as the reflection of the best part of who I am that I know myself to be in that moment.  From struggling to create choices to choose from to a place of creating so many wonderful choices to choose from without urgency has been an interesting experience and realization for me. And yet as I say that there is so so so much more.

My “job” that I choose to engage has been quiet an amazing experience in a lot of ways.  Geriatrics has been surprizingly a very rewarding experience for me. Challenging to my whole belief system and spacious enough to expand my wings. Learning to breathe while doing in chaos, learning to integrate mind with body while expressing spirit under increable responsibilities(to a new grad).  Learning to breathe and express in a large group dynamic where “office politics” or “many family systems all come together to engage” while still creating a warm inviting experience. Feeling emense respect for my coworkers and seeing the spirit through the filters.  Its created quiet an amazing experience of work.  I do hold somewhat of a leadership position and had struggled with that when I first started. When your dealing with others health and wellbeing with other people it can get a bit firey at times as most nurses know for themselves.  I looked back on my own experience of the managers I have had and my experience of myself with them and have chosen to engage differently. Remembering my insights and thoughts from being on the other end I am engaging differently.  Not out of struggle and survival  to preform harder but instead of genuine respect for the people who choose to invest their own time in the kind of job that will invite many beliefs and emotions to express. Its not about gain this type of work….or survival … it really is self discovery, love, compassion and being present with other people. In this industry the people just so happen to be at points of their lives where they are letting go of old because their bodies have manifested the messages to do so. It leaves a very vunerable essence to it.  I put everything I have into the hours I spend at work. I put a lot of energy into being proactive, using my experience and knowledge to speed up the healing process, to be the best I can and to engage with others in RIG.  I have had opportunities to engage or not engage differently.  With awareness.  I am on my feet all day and the last hour of my day I ususally spend it connecting with a senior. The other day I sat with a lady who was in a sense of panic all day and taught her how to focus on her breathing. Heartburn….air breathe. We walked and talked and breathed. I wrapped her up in a warm blanket and sat with her out in main area (out of the seclusion of her room) and gave her my presence. Medical aspect of her care is sending her for a mental assessement, weening her off narcotics, giving her heart burn meds and relaxing meds to help with the physical layer but the other layers can be engaged as well….and really thats where the difference happens! I watched her tiny face breathe the rhythmic breathes I taught her and saw her wrinkles relax.    

I used to struggle with the medical industry and my new found beliefs around health and its really come to integrate quiet nicely for me. In school I was wonderful at memorizing and retaining info yet I had no clue what to do with it all in the real world. It hasn’t been easy integrating and has taken me to places of great uncomfort and choas in my self but the more I let go and relaxed into it it really did all come together.  Experience! Tools to integrate with self into expeirence in an area that feels meaningful to engage and be in. As a result I have had wonderful  “feed back”.  Which to me means alignment.

In relationships with men, I still have not met the one. I have however come to a place where it feels so much easier for me to engage who I am in places and with people where it was hard before and I feel excitement and delight in noticing as I experience it all differently.  I find it so much easier to coexist and expand as oppose to try to control. I have defined more of what is actually meaningful for me with the details of what I want to create for myself. I have moved many fears. But I have not quiet found THE ONE yet. I feel like I am getting so much closer. It really is true the saying you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. By kissing the frogs I got to discover in experience who I am in that aspect of myself and what is meaningful. What I will and will not put up with and what lights me up.  When I ponder the whole thing I can feel this peace in my essence when I think about the right one. It doesn’t contain a good enough person but rather just a sensation of me inside with someone. I have more to integrate in experience until I get there…and only becuase I say so and know so.  Trusting my truth of it all knowing I created it in other areas of my life already! Was worth the wait and the energy I put into to creating it.  TIMING is everything. Not by chance or destiny but when its the right time for you in where you are in your experience of yourself.  

The layers of who we are (what we consider good and bad) are not to correct or fix or be more worthy….they are simply just details and parts of potential new experiences. Being softer allows me experience who I am..the essence…. in my daily life while being completely aware of what layers are and where they come from and how to let go and transform them into new ones that feel right at the time. EASE.

The air feels crisper lately and I am enjoying laying here on my couch in my pjs on a lazy saturday afternoon with no commitments.  Today is my day of resting and relaxing. Thanks for reading. xo

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Actually enjoying work??

Over these past few days I have been quite surprised — in a good way — to find that I am enjoying what I have created for myself in returning to work.  True, it’s not the same experience of waking up whenever I want, sitting outside enjoying the sun, spending time during the day painting, exploring, visiting with family and friends.  No more afternoon naps. 

And yet I find that I am almost excited – at least feeling a new sense of energy and hopefulness – at having the opportunity to create something new within the organization.  This is an opportunity I created by choosing to leave and take a break.  By taking a break I gave myself the time and space to relax, to move at a difference pace.  By taking a break, my colleagues had the opportunity to evaluate what was really important to them.  Did they want to complete the project; was it meaningful for the organization?  When I started thinking about returning to work, I became clear about what I needed in order for my role to be meaningful to me, and as it turns out, my boss and others agreed. 

In my experience during this first week back, people seem excited at the framework I am creating, at seeing what may be possible for the portfolio, for their teams, and even for them within a larger context and longer term view. 

It’s been a great experience this week and definitely different from what I was expecting.   And while I was sure I didn’t want to work, and equally sure that I needed to, I allowed myself to take the time, space and stillness to just breathe and listen for came up within me.  And in this moment, I know that the process of breathing and listening has given me this current experience, which is obviously what I need in this moment.  Yet another example of learning there are so many possibilities.  I can paint and experience people valuing my art.  I can work in a “job” where I have the space to create something and enjoy my time there.  Who knew?

It all makes me excited to see else I can create and experience as possible for me!

 
I posted some beautiful pictures of deep & textured evening sky I experienced a few nights ago.  For those who may be interested, you can view it at:    http://manifestingandexperiencingmoreofme.wordpress.com/

Weathering the storm…

I have weathered many storms in my life.  During each storm, I weathered through,
sailing my ship the best way I know how, looking to the horizon for signs of
safety and relief.  With all this talk of
Irene, I’ve come to see a clear metaphor between preparing and weathering
through the storms in my life (within) and preparing a weathering through the
storms of outside.

There is so much mixed information about the weather; no one
is able to accurately predict what will happen when the storm hits – how high
will the winds be? how much rain we can expect? how long will it last?.  We end up with the meteorologist (experts) information
mixed in with the media’s effort to spin a good story and the natural
unpredictability of weather so no one really knows what to expect.  I have discovered the same in life.  The truth of any situation is often lost in
the desire to spin a “good” story or to spin the story that holds you to an old
view of yourself.

We all know (or may even be one) of those people who were
once a victim (crime, abuse, etc.). They are always talking about what so and
so “did” to them.  Someone is always
doing stuff to mess up their life and it never occurs to them that maybe they
continue to create “I’m a victim” because they know it so well and they can
play the role to perfection, making them appear to always o be “right”.  Because being “right” is where many believe our
personal power lies.  Maybe it does or
maybe not.  For most of my life being “right”
drove every experience I engaged in.  I
have come to know I only know the truth of my experience and the insights that
flow when I allow mySelf to lead.

I can chose to put all my energy towards “trying” to predict
the outcome of events, working hard to prepare for the event and mitigate any
risk, but in the end, no one really knows (or can predict) the true outcome of
any event or experience.  When I chose
this route, most times I’m left frustrated and wondering how I can work harder
to make it happen according to plan.
This is an exhausting way to live, leaving little room for the
expression of my own creativity (my true self) in the moment.

This is where trust becomes the most powerful state of
being.  As I “let go” of the need to prepare
for and predict (control) the outcome and I learn to simply trust myself, I create
more space for the unpredictable.  Trust opens
me to the “art of the possible” and allows me to respond in the moment from a
place of truth with “real time” information. Instead of always looking back and
trying to move forward using strategies grounded in the experience from my past,
I move forward as an expression of on what I know in the moment, guided by the
godforce that I am in collaboration with my body and all the knowledge in the
universe.

I have worked as a project manager for almost 20 years,
applying structured tools and techniques to plan and control the outcome of projects
(series of events).  I believe my clients
expect me to be able to plan and control the work through to a successful delivery,
to foresee risks and define plans to mitigate the risk (i.e. if this happens,
we do this or if this happens we do this.).
Although this work is very
structured and formal, I’ve come to see how under all the plans, risk
assessments and status reports there is a knowing that we cannot plan and
predict the outcome with any degree of accuracy.   Very seldom does what is executed, equal
what was in the baseline plan.  On a day
to day basis I find myself talking to client about planning for the known and
ensuring we have a process for managing changes to the plan because we all know
there will be changes.  As the project
progresses and the work unfold, things always change which allows for the
creative element of project work.  There
has to be space for the plan to change to allow space for creativity which is
the collective expression of the unique gifts and talents of the project team.  For years now, I have called that space “contingency”,
which is a percentage of the total project budget set aside just in case the
plan needs to change.  Contingency is really
accounting for the true nature of the human experience – unpredictable.

A few months ago I moved back into project management full
time and I have found a new sense of joy in my work.  I find I’m highly productive as I move through
each day in flow (connected) with my true Self.
I have loads of energy and find work fascinating.    In
this moment it all makes perfect sense to me.
I’m an excellent PM and I have great relationships with my clients
because they trust me and they trust me because I trust myself.  The more grounded I am in myself and the more
I let go and trust the godforce that I am, the more empowered I am in my life.  Me showing up in my work is so easy and so
natural, my work has become easy and natural.
What an amazing way to live!!

Finding mySelf

I’ve been on quite a rollercoaster ride recently. I watched my husband deteriorate to the point of not being able to walk on his own, and I stood beside feeling so helpless.

Now that he is home from the hospital I am still trying to find mySelf in all this. I am not ok with standing beside watching him die slowly because he refuses to acknowledge that his body is now different and requires attention differently. It breaks my heart every time I see that he refuses to modify his lifestyle to stay alive. And I feel so helpless…. and I am not ok with that! And I don’t know where this will take me. He is not a child and I can not take him by the hand and lead him safely across the street. I have to let him make choices on his own and I am NOT ok with that! 

I put on a good cheery face every morning pretending that it’s all fine, lying to myself that it is and yet it is NOT fine! I am NOT ok! I hurt and I am scared and I feel so helpless and I am not ok with that! And yes I do want to take him by the hand and lead him and take care of him and keep his safe and I know that I cannot if he doesn’t. And I am NOT ok with that!

Wave after wave they come and I know that somewhere in there is ME. My breath stabilizes and I will put on a good face and take it one breath at the time hoping that I will know: the how, the when, the why and the how; I will know when I need to. One breath at the time. To trust that!

With RIG,

Beata

What do I want?

It’s funny how a word in an email or conversation can trigger a new wave of thinking and exploring for me.  A friend sent me an email, and I don’t even remember the exact wording, but in reference to a discussion with her mother about what is coming next, the response was that each person will continue as they choose, as they want. 

And this got me to thinking, what do I really want?  I was sure I had a ready and detailed answer.  And to my surprise, I didn’t.  So I’ve been spending time really considering what I am creating for myself today, and what do I want to create next, who else may I become?  I’ve been having fun sitting with this question  and it makes me smile when I remember that while I have put some language to what I want, there is more to come.  There’s always more.

If you are interested in reading more, below is what I have written about the process of exploring what I want.

http://manifestingandexperiencingmoreofme.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/what-do-i-want/

A letter of thanks

Tomorrow is my last day. I have spent the last couple days at work saying good bye, saying take care, saying thank you for the lovely gift and collecting many long warm hugs.  This experience has brought me so much more than I thought it would and I am leaving becuase its just not for me anymore. It doesn’t feel right to stay, even though I have had incredable meaningful experiences.  I have put so much attention into what I was doing with patients, I have learnt so much about health/skills and more importantly about myself and connection. Its a chapter I will always cherish and can’t help but feel waves of tears move through me after each goodbye.  My patients taught me how to be a nurse. I wanted to be the health care professional that deeply cared and connected and from my experience of ending this chapter, this is what I see in others eyes reflecting back at me while thanking me for what I have done for them. I have so much more to learn, yet when I look at it all in the bigger picture I am amazed at what I have created just by choosing and acting on what felt right for me.  I have said a lot of your welcomes but really I should be thanking them. Most have welcomed me in their homes everyday and have put their trust in me, they have shared fears and dreams and have had me giggling in moments where I really needed to laugh and soften.  I experienced life in here out there on a huge palate mixed with many many shades and colors.  There were some days that were not so much fun and some people who challenged me while they were struggling with their own movement in their own bodies. I was many a time a loading dock where some would unleash their fustrations. I learnt quickly and still am what boundries are and how to express them in ways that respect the human condition and human potential. For myself first and then for them.  I have come face to face with many aspects of myself.   When it rains and shines at the same time the universe creates a rainbow that when you look at it you can’t help but feel warm inside and excited. Well this experience kind of feels the same, like the opposite forces that are coexisting are there creating something so amazing.   I showed up. For better or for worse I showed up.   So tomorrow I will celebrate my last page in this chapter and no doubt will have more to write as I let go and create more space for my next chapter.  So I secretly say thank you deeply to all the patients who have touched my life and taught me how to love and take care of my body and my self and who taught me that we all need support as we become more. Supporting ourselves and allowing others to offer support to us. With much much RIG XO

Standing alone

I stand alone this morning in this realization that my life is mine and I cannot “fix” or “help” anyone person no matter how much they mean to me. I cannot make them see differently and choose differently, until they are actually ready to choose for themSelves. I stand alone with this overwhelming feeling of despair and I choose to own that, as it is all mine. That’s all I can do: be mySelf and know that I am scared and it hurts and it sucks and I wish I could… and at the same time knowing that You are your own Godforce and you need to live the life of your choosing and I need to respect that.

Interesting how at the same time what shoes up is “what makes you think you could? Who are you to think you could?”  – yes, that old, not quite as familiar anymore, feeling of doubt shows up.

It’s strange how this feels soooo old. This feeling of loneliness and abandonment. It’s not even helplessness, it’s just this loneliness…And another wave comes…and it comes with a fire breath. And now my body is stable and I know I am more, and I am ready to create another day where I get to be ME! That IS quite an amazing life.

Wonderful day ladies!

Be

creating my own life

I am discovering new shifts in me lately as I am moving through another transition in my outside world, I know that I am also experiencing a transition in my inner world. The process of being willing and able to listen and trust without a doubt that my inner world is reflected on my outer world and that my inner world offers without trying messages on how to move forward is becoming so much more evident. A couple weeks ago I had an insight pop up out of no where of a mistake that I had done without realizing it. Later when I checked my email I had gotten an email around the same time that I had that pop into my awareness. What is that? It just goes to show me that we are far bigger than what we know. This whole notion of become something in the outer world has been really making huge shifts in my experience over the last little while for me. I am finding myself making new choices that go against my old beliefs of what I should be and what I should do. These new choices are mine and by my own creation from my spirit. I know that becuase I recognize the shift and how right it feels to me. Engaging my outter world seemed so challenging and yet now it seems so much easier for me. I am currently entering a new conversation around the topic of life partner. I am looking forward to engaging that conversation outload with someone who is in my life. The impulse has been presenting for me to engage that conversation and I started too recently. The invitation for it to continue was matched. I am excited to see what I can manifest for myself in it. I am happy to be part of this site. I am also very happy to have been introduced to this perspective/ body of knowledge. I have tried it for myself and have ended up creating my own path discovering what I really want and not feeling badly for it if it doesn’t match up with what I was taught I should want. There is always more and this is my own personal journey of me. Everyone else is on their own and I am glad to share mine with others and have others share theirs with me.

The Next Wave…

Women Awakening is the next step in the never-ending journey of accelerated personal evolution!

Women Gathering in Small Groups, Talking…  (Google Group) began in November 2008.  Over almost three years, the courage of the contributors allowed us all to discover courage within ourselves.  As a result, we have all – collectively! – become more!

This Women Awakening online public Journal is testament to the simple truth that as living, organic and intelligent beings, we are never static.  Our birthright is to discover, grow, evolve and become the ‘more’ that we are destined to become.  As we become willing to live out loud – that others might see and hear the truth of our own experience – we discover that as aspects of each other’s consciousness, we can engage more fully and find the transformation we seek, rather than simply long for it.

This new space; this Women Awakening place, allows to know that we have already become what we seek!  And now, where do we want to go from here?  In the authentic expression of our unique ‘being’, the only limits are the ones we create for ourselves.

Aloha!

Louise LeBrun

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