fire energy

 

Part of being human is embracing all of it. The integral moments and the not so integral moments. And yet in just being honest with the layer I am being integral. I am not perfect. Yet I keep trying to be. It sneaks up on me. This fire energy is transformation of a new layer of expression.

Sometimes I don’t like my job. Most times I do but sometimes I don’t.  On the days I don’t I usually end up doing much more than I should and all the quality of my experience is drained. The quantity of tasks is great…and even the quality of the tasks…but the quality of my experience is nil. Then I feel drained and firey. The whole purpose of what I do is lost in the human to human connection. I am valued as an employee but I am valuing myself as a human. Nothing is black and white so where in the day can I choose differently where I achieve but also create a meaningful experience doing so.

In healthcare a doctor has to decide when comfort care promotes the quality of life more than treatment care.  To me I say why not try…its the whole fight for your life thing yet I know we continue on. I remember my grandmother telling me that when you get older the medical industry doesn’t try anymore becuase your old. Why bother right.   Then I look at the worlds greed and budgets with healthcare and I wonder.  If I was a senior with dementia I can’t choose if I want surgery and how does a doctor know what my outcome will be. They don’t..they only know probable. There are so many sides to this coin. Personal directives are there for a purpose but even those don’t reflect what we want in the now.  The decision for a doctor is a heavy one. I certainly wouldn’t want to make that decision or council a family one way or the other. As a nurse I am really not sure where I stand with it all either and its not a conversation I would even dare to engage with a family.  Part of my transition from new grad to experienced nurse is that I an not only integrating skills and theory but I am also creating bigger views of it all. Intention behind creation. Expansion behind development.  Right now I am just noticing all this.

New questions always lead to more

So whats next? I accomplished the new tasks and challenges of this type of position. I learnt the policies and integrated lots. And now I am just doing, So whats next?

How can I create a different experience and get back to my peace of mind and heart in my day where I am smiling again.

How can I ponder without perfectionizing and how can I stop being hard on myself…..

What will light me up?

What amazing things have I experienced and accomplished so far on this journey of me? Maybe focusing on those would be better

honestly, authenticaly….moi

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engaging softer

Soft used to mean for me slow, weak, fading.  As that layer has been unfolding and transforming as I engage in ways that are me, in my everyday life I know that its actually the contrary.  Soft is very powerful. Not as a rule or definite but the meaning that I had attached to word soft and the experience I have created attached to the word soft has been really amazing for me to experience myself in.  By staying true to the essence of who I am, the truth of the moment, the deep peace that exists in my presence and engaging from that point softens whatever is unfolding so that I experience it as the reflection of the best part of who I am that I know myself to be in that moment.  From struggling to create choices to choose from to a place of creating so many wonderful choices to choose from without urgency has been an interesting experience and realization for me. And yet as I say that there is so so so much more.

My “job” that I choose to engage has been quiet an amazing experience in a lot of ways.  Geriatrics has been surprizingly a very rewarding experience for me. Challenging to my whole belief system and spacious enough to expand my wings. Learning to breathe while doing in chaos, learning to integrate mind with body while expressing spirit under increable responsibilities(to a new grad).  Learning to breathe and express in a large group dynamic where “office politics” or “many family systems all come together to engage” while still creating a warm inviting experience. Feeling emense respect for my coworkers and seeing the spirit through the filters.  Its created quiet an amazing experience of work.  I do hold somewhat of a leadership position and had struggled with that when I first started. When your dealing with others health and wellbeing with other people it can get a bit firey at times as most nurses know for themselves.  I looked back on my own experience of the managers I have had and my experience of myself with them and have chosen to engage differently. Remembering my insights and thoughts from being on the other end I am engaging differently.  Not out of struggle and survival  to preform harder but instead of genuine respect for the people who choose to invest their own time in the kind of job that will invite many beliefs and emotions to express. Its not about gain this type of work….or survival … it really is self discovery, love, compassion and being present with other people. In this industry the people just so happen to be at points of their lives where they are letting go of old because their bodies have manifested the messages to do so. It leaves a very vunerable essence to it.  I put everything I have into the hours I spend at work. I put a lot of energy into being proactive, using my experience and knowledge to speed up the healing process, to be the best I can and to engage with others in RIG.  I have had opportunities to engage or not engage differently.  With awareness.  I am on my feet all day and the last hour of my day I ususally spend it connecting with a senior. The other day I sat with a lady who was in a sense of panic all day and taught her how to focus on her breathing. Heartburn….air breathe. We walked and talked and breathed. I wrapped her up in a warm blanket and sat with her out in main area (out of the seclusion of her room) and gave her my presence. Medical aspect of her care is sending her for a mental assessement, weening her off narcotics, giving her heart burn meds and relaxing meds to help with the physical layer but the other layers can be engaged as well….and really thats where the difference happens! I watched her tiny face breathe the rhythmic breathes I taught her and saw her wrinkles relax.    

I used to struggle with the medical industry and my new found beliefs around health and its really come to integrate quiet nicely for me. In school I was wonderful at memorizing and retaining info yet I had no clue what to do with it all in the real world. It hasn’t been easy integrating and has taken me to places of great uncomfort and choas in my self but the more I let go and relaxed into it it really did all come together.  Experience! Tools to integrate with self into expeirence in an area that feels meaningful to engage and be in. As a result I have had wonderful  “feed back”.  Which to me means alignment.

In relationships with men, I still have not met the one. I have however come to a place where it feels so much easier for me to engage who I am in places and with people where it was hard before and I feel excitement and delight in noticing as I experience it all differently.  I find it so much easier to coexist and expand as oppose to try to control. I have defined more of what is actually meaningful for me with the details of what I want to create for myself. I have moved many fears. But I have not quiet found THE ONE yet. I feel like I am getting so much closer. It really is true the saying you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. By kissing the frogs I got to discover in experience who I am in that aspect of myself and what is meaningful. What I will and will not put up with and what lights me up.  When I ponder the whole thing I can feel this peace in my essence when I think about the right one. It doesn’t contain a good enough person but rather just a sensation of me inside with someone. I have more to integrate in experience until I get there…and only becuase I say so and know so.  Trusting my truth of it all knowing I created it in other areas of my life already! Was worth the wait and the energy I put into to creating it.  TIMING is everything. Not by chance or destiny but when its the right time for you in where you are in your experience of yourself.  

The layers of who we are (what we consider good and bad) are not to correct or fix or be more worthy….they are simply just details and parts of potential new experiences. Being softer allows me experience who I am..the essence…. in my daily life while being completely aware of what layers are and where they come from and how to let go and transform them into new ones that feel right at the time. EASE.

The air feels crisper lately and I am enjoying laying here on my couch in my pjs on a lazy saturday afternoon with no commitments.  Today is my day of resting and relaxing. Thanks for reading. xo

A letter of thanks

Tomorrow is my last day. I have spent the last couple days at work saying good bye, saying take care, saying thank you for the lovely gift and collecting many long warm hugs.  This experience has brought me so much more than I thought it would and I am leaving becuase its just not for me anymore. It doesn’t feel right to stay, even though I have had incredable meaningful experiences.  I have put so much attention into what I was doing with patients, I have learnt so much about health/skills and more importantly about myself and connection. Its a chapter I will always cherish and can’t help but feel waves of tears move through me after each goodbye.  My patients taught me how to be a nurse. I wanted to be the health care professional that deeply cared and connected and from my experience of ending this chapter, this is what I see in others eyes reflecting back at me while thanking me for what I have done for them. I have so much more to learn, yet when I look at it all in the bigger picture I am amazed at what I have created just by choosing and acting on what felt right for me.  I have said a lot of your welcomes but really I should be thanking them. Most have welcomed me in their homes everyday and have put their trust in me, they have shared fears and dreams and have had me giggling in moments where I really needed to laugh and soften.  I experienced life in here out there on a huge palate mixed with many many shades and colors.  There were some days that were not so much fun and some people who challenged me while they were struggling with their own movement in their own bodies. I was many a time a loading dock where some would unleash their fustrations. I learnt quickly and still am what boundries are and how to express them in ways that respect the human condition and human potential. For myself first and then for them.  I have come face to face with many aspects of myself.   When it rains and shines at the same time the universe creates a rainbow that when you look at it you can’t help but feel warm inside and excited. Well this experience kind of feels the same, like the opposite forces that are coexisting are there creating something so amazing.   I showed up. For better or for worse I showed up.   So tomorrow I will celebrate my last page in this chapter and no doubt will have more to write as I let go and create more space for my next chapter.  So I secretly say thank you deeply to all the patients who have touched my life and taught me how to love and take care of my body and my self and who taught me that we all need support as we become more. Supporting ourselves and allowing others to offer support to us. With much much RIG XO

creating my own life

I am discovering new shifts in me lately as I am moving through another transition in my outside world, I know that I am also experiencing a transition in my inner world. The process of being willing and able to listen and trust without a doubt that my inner world is reflected on my outer world and that my inner world offers without trying messages on how to move forward is becoming so much more evident. A couple weeks ago I had an insight pop up out of no where of a mistake that I had done without realizing it. Later when I checked my email I had gotten an email around the same time that I had that pop into my awareness. What is that? It just goes to show me that we are far bigger than what we know. This whole notion of become something in the outer world has been really making huge shifts in my experience over the last little while for me. I am finding myself making new choices that go against my old beliefs of what I should be and what I should do. These new choices are mine and by my own creation from my spirit. I know that becuase I recognize the shift and how right it feels to me. Engaging my outter world seemed so challenging and yet now it seems so much easier for me. I am currently entering a new conversation around the topic of life partner. I am looking forward to engaging that conversation outload with someone who is in my life. The impulse has been presenting for me to engage that conversation and I started too recently. The invitation for it to continue was matched. I am excited to see what I can manifest for myself in it. I am happy to be part of this site. I am also very happy to have been introduced to this perspective/ body of knowledge. I have tried it for myself and have ended up creating my own path discovering what I really want and not feeling badly for it if it doesn’t match up with what I was taught I should want. There is always more and this is my own personal journey of me. Everyone else is on their own and I am glad to share mine with others and have others share theirs with me.

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