Being Me

I feel comfortable in my home. I think that I do because I know that I can hide here, hide from me. I realized that when I am home I know I don’t have to face mySelf in the faces of others.

I’ve been traveling a lot lately with a team of people. I find myself with a great need to fit-in and it puzzles me why. Why do I need to be one of the “guys”, why it is not ok for me to just be myself and be ok with that? I just realized that throughout my life I always felt that I was different, I always felt (and feel) that I don’t belong, that I am different and it just struck me that it is me that makes that judgement on ME. No one tells me that I don’t belong, that I am weird, that I am different – I do that to myself and this statement, in my mind, has a very negative connotation. For some reason I feel that I must belong, I must be accepted, I must be understood and so I try to make myself fit in and it doesn’t work because it’s not me. So I beat myself up and I feel like crap and I forget that I am a Godforce  in this physical universe and that what I am experiencing is an opportunity for me to become more.

Does it make a difference when I remember who and what I am? Yes it does. It reminds me that we are ALL that. It reminds me that even though I think that I am different in fact we ALL are different. We all have our own reasons to do things and it is ok.

I wake up and try to remind myself and ask how does the Godforce that I am choose to live today and I look into my eyes when I brush my teeth and try to find mySelf in there and I take a deep breath and I choose. I choose from the place where I need to feel good about my life at the end of the day and know that I did not give up on ME, not for the need to fit in or any other reason. And what it is that I don’t give up on? It’s the knowing inside of me of what is important and right for me in THIS moment. Maybe it isn’t right for someone else and maybe they would do it differently and it doesn’t matter as MY life is ALL about me not someone else!

Beata

Reflections

Last week I participated in a life transforming experience, experiance of Manifesting a Meaningful life. The day after lots was moving, a lot of reflections. Today I am ready to express them. No stories, no drama. Here it is:

Life.

Day by day; minute by minute.

Choice. Moment by moment.

Evolution; growth;

More!

Consolidation; body and soul.

Breath by breath.

Joy.

Life!

Wirth RIG, Beata

Finding mySelf

I’ve been on quite a rollercoaster ride recently. I watched my husband deteriorate to the point of not being able to walk on his own, and I stood beside feeling so helpless.

Now that he is home from the hospital I am still trying to find mySelf in all this. I am not ok with standing beside watching him die slowly because he refuses to acknowledge that his body is now different and requires attention differently. It breaks my heart every time I see that he refuses to modify his lifestyle to stay alive. And I feel so helpless…. and I am not ok with that! And I don’t know where this will take me. He is not a child and I can not take him by the hand and lead him safely across the street. I have to let him make choices on his own and I am NOT ok with that! 

I put on a good cheery face every morning pretending that it’s all fine, lying to myself that it is and yet it is NOT fine! I am NOT ok! I hurt and I am scared and I feel so helpless and I am not ok with that! And yes I do want to take him by the hand and lead him and take care of him and keep his safe and I know that I cannot if he doesn’t. And I am NOT ok with that!

Wave after wave they come and I know that somewhere in there is ME. My breath stabilizes and I will put on a good face and take it one breath at the time hoping that I will know: the how, the when, the why and the how; I will know when I need to. One breath at the time. To trust that!

With RIG,

Beata

Standing alone

I stand alone this morning in this realization that my life is mine and I cannot “fix” or “help” anyone person no matter how much they mean to me. I cannot make them see differently and choose differently, until they are actually ready to choose for themSelves. I stand alone with this overwhelming feeling of despair and I choose to own that, as it is all mine. That’s all I can do: be mySelf and know that I am scared and it hurts and it sucks and I wish I could… and at the same time knowing that You are your own Godforce and you need to live the life of your choosing and I need to respect that.

Interesting how at the same time what shoes up is “what makes you think you could? Who are you to think you could?”  – yes, that old, not quite as familiar anymore, feeling of doubt shows up.

It’s strange how this feels soooo old. This feeling of loneliness and abandonment. It’s not even helplessness, it’s just this loneliness…And another wave comes…and it comes with a fire breath. And now my body is stable and I know I am more, and I am ready to create another day where I get to be ME! That IS quite an amazing life.

Wonderful day ladies!

Be

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