Being Me

I feel comfortable in my home. I think that I do because I know that I can hide here, hide from me. I realized that when I am home I know I don’t have to face mySelf in the faces of others.

I’ve been traveling a lot lately with a team of people. I find myself with a great need to fit-in and it puzzles me why. Why do I need to be one of the “guys”, why it is not ok for me to just be myself and be ok with that? I just realized that throughout my life I always felt that I was different, I always felt (and feel) that I don’t belong, that I am different and it just struck me that it is me that makes that judgement on ME. No one tells me that I don’t belong, that I am weird, that I am different – I do that to myself and this statement, in my mind, has a very negative connotation. For some reason I feel that I must belong, I must be accepted, I must be understood and so I try to make myself fit in and it doesn’t work because it’s not me. So I beat myself up and I feel like crap and I forget that I am a Godforce  in this physical universe and that what I am experiencing is an opportunity for me to become more.

Does it make a difference when I remember who and what I am? Yes it does. It reminds me that we are ALL that. It reminds me that even though I think that I am different in fact we ALL are different. We all have our own reasons to do things and it is ok.

I wake up and try to remind myself and ask how does the Godforce that I am choose to live today and I look into my eyes when I brush my teeth and try to find mySelf in there and I take a deep breath and I choose. I choose from the place where I need to feel good about my life at the end of the day and know that I did not give up on ME, not for the need to fit in or any other reason. And what it is that I don’t give up on? It’s the knowing inside of me of what is important and right for me in THIS moment. Maybe it isn’t right for someone else and maybe they would do it differently and it doesn’t matter as MY life is ALL about me not someone else!

Beata

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Life in the Fast Lane

Here I am in 2012 and January has already come and gone. Imagine! I am already standing in February and what I am noticing, as my life unfolds, breath to breath, is that my experience of living is becoming more intense and way, way more rapid. I have moments, when I simply choose to stop, so that my body can catch up with me.

Somehow, it all seems pretty funny to me, when I think of it… I have the image of a cartoon-like caboose hanging on for dear life to the engine of a great train blowing steam, in hot pursuit of a new way of being down an uncertain track… not willing to not be part of the  unknowns that it will meet along the way. When the engine chooses to slow down to a stop, then the caboose actually discovers that it can, indeed, catch up.

Paradoxically, none of it is true! Interconnected, there is nothing for the caboose to catch up to; caboose and engine and everything in between is the continuum, the process of being ONE. The rest is all illusion. Maybe, even that is, too. Our illusions are the ‘stuff’ of how we define our lives as ‘real’, yet none of it, to me, is ‘real’.

Yup! It IS all pretty funny… and makes ‘real’ – for me – my experience of my life as being ONE  in the fast lane! :o)

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