fire energy

 

Part of being human is embracing all of it. The integral moments and the not so integral moments. And yet in just being honest with the layer I am being integral. I am not perfect. Yet I keep trying to be. It sneaks up on me. This fire energy is transformation of a new layer of expression.

Sometimes I don’t like my job. Most times I do but sometimes I don’t.  On the days I don’t I usually end up doing much more than I should and all the quality of my experience is drained. The quantity of tasks is great…and even the quality of the tasks…but the quality of my experience is nil. Then I feel drained and firey. The whole purpose of what I do is lost in the human to human connection. I am valued as an employee but I am valuing myself as a human. Nothing is black and white so where in the day can I choose differently where I achieve but also create a meaningful experience doing so.

In healthcare a doctor has to decide when comfort care promotes the quality of life more than treatment care.  To me I say why not try…its the whole fight for your life thing yet I know we continue on. I remember my grandmother telling me that when you get older the medical industry doesn’t try anymore becuase your old. Why bother right.   Then I look at the worlds greed and budgets with healthcare and I wonder.  If I was a senior with dementia I can’t choose if I want surgery and how does a doctor know what my outcome will be. They don’t..they only know probable. There are so many sides to this coin. Personal directives are there for a purpose but even those don’t reflect what we want in the now.  The decision for a doctor is a heavy one. I certainly wouldn’t want to make that decision or council a family one way or the other. As a nurse I am really not sure where I stand with it all either and its not a conversation I would even dare to engage with a family.  Part of my transition from new grad to experienced nurse is that I an not only integrating skills and theory but I am also creating bigger views of it all. Intention behind creation. Expansion behind development.  Right now I am just noticing all this.

New questions always lead to more

So whats next? I accomplished the new tasks and challenges of this type of position. I learnt the policies and integrated lots. And now I am just doing, So whats next?

How can I create a different experience and get back to my peace of mind and heart in my day where I am smiling again.

How can I ponder without perfectionizing and how can I stop being hard on myself…..

What will light me up?

What amazing things have I experienced and accomplished so far on this journey of me? Maybe focusing on those would be better

honestly, authenticaly….moi

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