engaging softer

Soft used to mean for me slow, weak, fading.  As that layer has been unfolding and transforming as I engage in ways that are me, in my everyday life I know that its actually the contrary.  Soft is very powerful. Not as a rule or definite but the meaning that I had attached to word soft and the experience I have created attached to the word soft has been really amazing for me to experience myself in.  By staying true to the essence of who I am, the truth of the moment, the deep peace that exists in my presence and engaging from that point softens whatever is unfolding so that I experience it as the reflection of the best part of who I am that I know myself to be in that moment.  From struggling to create choices to choose from to a place of creating so many wonderful choices to choose from without urgency has been an interesting experience and realization for me. And yet as I say that there is so so so much more.

My “job” that I choose to engage has been quiet an amazing experience in a lot of ways.  Geriatrics has been surprizingly a very rewarding experience for me. Challenging to my whole belief system and spacious enough to expand my wings. Learning to breathe while doing in chaos, learning to integrate mind with body while expressing spirit under increable responsibilities(to a new grad).  Learning to breathe and express in a large group dynamic where “office politics” or “many family systems all come together to engage” while still creating a warm inviting experience. Feeling emense respect for my coworkers and seeing the spirit through the filters.  Its created quiet an amazing experience of work.  I do hold somewhat of a leadership position and had struggled with that when I first started. When your dealing with others health and wellbeing with other people it can get a bit firey at times as most nurses know for themselves.  I looked back on my own experience of the managers I have had and my experience of myself with them and have chosen to engage differently. Remembering my insights and thoughts from being on the other end I am engaging differently.  Not out of struggle and survival  to preform harder but instead of genuine respect for the people who choose to invest their own time in the kind of job that will invite many beliefs and emotions to express. Its not about gain this type of work….or survival … it really is self discovery, love, compassion and being present with other people. In this industry the people just so happen to be at points of their lives where they are letting go of old because their bodies have manifested the messages to do so. It leaves a very vunerable essence to it.  I put everything I have into the hours I spend at work. I put a lot of energy into being proactive, using my experience and knowledge to speed up the healing process, to be the best I can and to engage with others in RIG.  I have had opportunities to engage or not engage differently.  With awareness.  I am on my feet all day and the last hour of my day I ususally spend it connecting with a senior. The other day I sat with a lady who was in a sense of panic all day and taught her how to focus on her breathing. Heartburn….air breathe. We walked and talked and breathed. I wrapped her up in a warm blanket and sat with her out in main area (out of the seclusion of her room) and gave her my presence. Medical aspect of her care is sending her for a mental assessement, weening her off narcotics, giving her heart burn meds and relaxing meds to help with the physical layer but the other layers can be engaged as well….and really thats where the difference happens! I watched her tiny face breathe the rhythmic breathes I taught her and saw her wrinkles relax.    

I used to struggle with the medical industry and my new found beliefs around health and its really come to integrate quiet nicely for me. In school I was wonderful at memorizing and retaining info yet I had no clue what to do with it all in the real world. It hasn’t been easy integrating and has taken me to places of great uncomfort and choas in my self but the more I let go and relaxed into it it really did all come together.  Experience! Tools to integrate with self into expeirence in an area that feels meaningful to engage and be in. As a result I have had wonderful  “feed back”.  Which to me means alignment.

In relationships with men, I still have not met the one. I have however come to a place where it feels so much easier for me to engage who I am in places and with people where it was hard before and I feel excitement and delight in noticing as I experience it all differently.  I find it so much easier to coexist and expand as oppose to try to control. I have defined more of what is actually meaningful for me with the details of what I want to create for myself. I have moved many fears. But I have not quiet found THE ONE yet. I feel like I am getting so much closer. It really is true the saying you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. By kissing the frogs I got to discover in experience who I am in that aspect of myself and what is meaningful. What I will and will not put up with and what lights me up.  When I ponder the whole thing I can feel this peace in my essence when I think about the right one. It doesn’t contain a good enough person but rather just a sensation of me inside with someone. I have more to integrate in experience until I get there…and only becuase I say so and know so.  Trusting my truth of it all knowing I created it in other areas of my life already! Was worth the wait and the energy I put into to creating it.  TIMING is everything. Not by chance or destiny but when its the right time for you in where you are in your experience of yourself.  

The layers of who we are (what we consider good and bad) are not to correct or fix or be more worthy….they are simply just details and parts of potential new experiences. Being softer allows me experience who I am..the essence…. in my daily life while being completely aware of what layers are and where they come from and how to let go and transform them into new ones that feel right at the time. EASE.

The air feels crisper lately and I am enjoying laying here on my couch in my pjs on a lazy saturday afternoon with no commitments.  Today is my day of resting and relaxing. Thanks for reading. xo


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. beatah
    Sep 18, 2011 @ 14:43:13

    Thank you sooo much Sarah for sharing yourSelf with me. You are always an invitation for me, an invitation to become more, and this time is no different. This time I was invited to join you in your intimate journey with the elderly lady. You are amazing and I am deeply grateful and in awe and feeling! It’s good to feel!
    Integration and allowing are resonating in my body so much, and Being, just Being true and connected to the source of who I am.
    With RIG,


  2. rememberingwhoiam
    Sep 20, 2011 @ 22:21:36

    Your post has prompted me to write my blog tonight, Sarah, for it resonated with me. The word integration sums up my journey now, for everything I have learned the past year on my journey to becoming a CODE Model Coach is integrating, and like you, I feel a softness about me, and also a knowing. Knowing that everything I need is inside of me, and I am no longer afraid to go there. I am no longer using strategies to run away from mySelf, and I love being ME!
    Thank you for sharing your authentic self. 🙂


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