Finding mySelf

I’ve been on quite a rollercoaster ride recently. I watched my husband deteriorate to the point of not being able to walk on his own, and I stood beside feeling so helpless.

Now that he is home from the hospital I am still trying to find mySelf in all this. I am not ok with standing beside watching him die slowly because he refuses to acknowledge that his body is now different and requires attention differently. It breaks my heart every time I see that he refuses to modify his lifestyle to stay alive. And I feel so helpless…. and I am not ok with that! And I don’t know where this will take me. He is not a child and I can not take him by the hand and lead him safely across the street. I have to let him make choices on his own and I am NOT ok with that! 

I put on a good cheery face every morning pretending that it’s all fine, lying to myself that it is and yet it is NOT fine! I am NOT ok! I hurt and I am scared and I feel so helpless and I am not ok with that! And yes I do want to take him by the hand and lead him and take care of him and keep his safe and I know that I cannot if he doesn’t. And I am NOT ok with that!

Wave after wave they come and I know that somewhere in there is ME. My breath stabilizes and I will put on a good face and take it one breath at the time hoping that I will know: the how, the when, the why and the how; I will know when I need to. One breath at the time. To trust that!

With RIG,

Beata

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Crowing Crone Joss
    Aug 06, 2011 @ 16:15:07

    sending you some of my own breath to help center you as you search your way through this storm.

    Reply

  2. Louise LeBrun
    Aug 06, 2011 @ 16:21:05

    Hi Beata,
    Three weeks ago, my mother was on a mega-run shopping marathon with friends; over-extended; fell and broke her hip. After surgery, we’re now looking at another 6 weeks recovery.

    The following week, my teenage step-daugher overlooked her insulin requirements and went into a coma for 12-days; followed by surgery; followed by likely more weeks in hospital and then several months recovery.

    I look at that and I see ‘mop up’… tending to the remnants left behind after others have made their choices. My state is one of ‘I’m NOT ok with that!”. I can love and I can care and I can have empathy and compassion… and I cannot choose for intelligent, present, thinking human beings. I can’t be with them every moment to encourage them to reconsider this choice or that. What I can do, is keeping choosing for myself in ways that are meaningful to and for me.

    I hate that part – I’d much prefer to be in charge of the Universe! And should I ever become King of the World, I’ll mandate intelligent choices for all so that there will not be the ones that I hold as mindless/senseless/just-plain-dumb; and so will not be faced with having to choose to do mop-up or not! But for now, I’m left with the moment-to-moment recognition of : What is the intelligent choice, for mySelf, in this moment… and go from there.

    Thanks for sharing. In some way, it brings me comfort to know that the bifurcation running rampant in my life is also intimately present in the live of others. Somehow, it leaves me feeling more connected to myself and to you.

    Hugs
    Louise

    Reply

    • beatah
      Aug 06, 2011 @ 18:54:28

      Thank you for sharing this with me Louise. I honestly hope that you will become the King of the world some day:). I would definately want to be a part of THAT world:).
      It is very comforting to me to know that I am NOT alone and so thank you for confirming that for me.
      Hugs to you and Paul. I do hope that your step-daughter gets well soon.
      Beata

      Reply

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