Weathering the storm…

I have weathered many storms in my life.  During each storm, I weathered through,
sailing my ship the best way I know how, looking to the horizon for signs of
safety and relief.  With all this talk of
Irene, I’ve come to see a clear metaphor between preparing and weathering
through the storms in my life (within) and preparing a weathering through the
storms of outside.

There is so much mixed information about the weather; no one
is able to accurately predict what will happen when the storm hits – how high
will the winds be? how much rain we can expect? how long will it last?.  We end up with the meteorologist (experts) information
mixed in with the media’s effort to spin a good story and the natural
unpredictability of weather so no one really knows what to expect.  I have discovered the same in life.  The truth of any situation is often lost in
the desire to spin a “good” story or to spin the story that holds you to an old
view of yourself.

We all know (or may even be one) of those people who were
once a victim (crime, abuse, etc.). They are always talking about what so and
so “did” to them.  Someone is always
doing stuff to mess up their life and it never occurs to them that maybe they
continue to create “I’m a victim” because they know it so well and they can
play the role to perfection, making them appear to always o be “right”.  Because being “right” is where many believe our
personal power lies.  Maybe it does or
maybe not.  For most of my life being “right”
drove every experience I engaged in.  I
have come to know I only know the truth of my experience and the insights that
flow when I allow mySelf to lead.

I can chose to put all my energy towards “trying” to predict
the outcome of events, working hard to prepare for the event and mitigate any
risk, but in the end, no one really knows (or can predict) the true outcome of
any event or experience.  When I chose
this route, most times I’m left frustrated and wondering how I can work harder
to make it happen according to plan.
This is an exhausting way to live, leaving little room for the
expression of my own creativity (my true self) in the moment.

This is where trust becomes the most powerful state of
being.  As I “let go” of the need to prepare
for and predict (control) the outcome and I learn to simply trust myself, I create
more space for the unpredictable.  Trust opens
me to the “art of the possible” and allows me to respond in the moment from a
place of truth with “real time” information. Instead of always looking back and
trying to move forward using strategies grounded in the experience from my past,
I move forward as an expression of on what I know in the moment, guided by the
godforce that I am in collaboration with my body and all the knowledge in the
universe.

I have worked as a project manager for almost 20 years,
applying structured tools and techniques to plan and control the outcome of projects
(series of events).  I believe my clients
expect me to be able to plan and control the work through to a successful delivery,
to foresee risks and define plans to mitigate the risk (i.e. if this happens,
we do this or if this happens we do this.).
Although this work is very
structured and formal, I’ve come to see how under all the plans, risk
assessments and status reports there is a knowing that we cannot plan and
predict the outcome with any degree of accuracy.   Very seldom does what is executed, equal
what was in the baseline plan.  On a day
to day basis I find myself talking to client about planning for the known and
ensuring we have a process for managing changes to the plan because we all know
there will be changes.  As the project
progresses and the work unfold, things always change which allows for the
creative element of project work.  There
has to be space for the plan to change to allow space for creativity which is
the collective expression of the unique gifts and talents of the project team.  For years now, I have called that space “contingency”,
which is a percentage of the total project budget set aside just in case the
plan needs to change.  Contingency is really
accounting for the true nature of the human experience – unpredictable.

A few months ago I moved back into project management full
time and I have found a new sense of joy in my work.  I find I’m highly productive as I move through
each day in flow (connected) with my true Self.
I have loads of energy and find work fascinating.    In
this moment it all makes perfect sense to me.
I’m an excellent PM and I have great relationships with my clients
because they trust me and they trust me because I trust myself.  The more grounded I am in myself and the more
I let go and trust the godforce that I am, the more empowered I am in my life.  Me showing up in my work is so easy and so
natural, my work has become easy and natural.
What an amazing way to live!!

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Finding mySelf

I’ve been on quite a rollercoaster ride recently. I watched my husband deteriorate to the point of not being able to walk on his own, and I stood beside feeling so helpless.

Now that he is home from the hospital I am still trying to find mySelf in all this. I am not ok with standing beside watching him die slowly because he refuses to acknowledge that his body is now different and requires attention differently. It breaks my heart every time I see that he refuses to modify his lifestyle to stay alive. And I feel so helpless…. and I am not ok with that! And I don’t know where this will take me. He is not a child and I can not take him by the hand and lead him safely across the street. I have to let him make choices on his own and I am NOT ok with that! 

I put on a good cheery face every morning pretending that it’s all fine, lying to myself that it is and yet it is NOT fine! I am NOT ok! I hurt and I am scared and I feel so helpless and I am not ok with that! And yes I do want to take him by the hand and lead him and take care of him and keep his safe and I know that I cannot if he doesn’t. And I am NOT ok with that!

Wave after wave they come and I know that somewhere in there is ME. My breath stabilizes and I will put on a good face and take it one breath at the time hoping that I will know: the how, the when, the why and the how; I will know when I need to. One breath at the time. To trust that!

With RIG,

Beata

What do I want?

It’s funny how a word in an email or conversation can trigger a new wave of thinking and exploring for me.  A friend sent me an email, and I don’t even remember the exact wording, but in reference to a discussion with her mother about what is coming next, the response was that each person will continue as they choose, as they want. 

And this got me to thinking, what do I really want?  I was sure I had a ready and detailed answer.  And to my surprise, I didn’t.  So I’ve been spending time really considering what I am creating for myself today, and what do I want to create next, who else may I become?  I’ve been having fun sitting with this question  and it makes me smile when I remember that while I have put some language to what I want, there is more to come.  There’s always more.

If you are interested in reading more, below is what I have written about the process of exploring what I want.

http://manifestingandexperiencingmoreofme.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/what-do-i-want/

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