A letter of thanks

Tomorrow is my last day. I have spent the last couple days at work saying good bye, saying take care, saying thank you for the lovely gift and collecting many long warm hugs.  This experience has brought me so much more than I thought it would and I am leaving becuase its just not for me anymore. It doesn’t feel right to stay, even though I have had incredable meaningful experiences.  I have put so much attention into what I was doing with patients, I have learnt so much about health/skills and more importantly about myself and connection. Its a chapter I will always cherish and can’t help but feel waves of tears move through me after each goodbye.  My patients taught me how to be a nurse. I wanted to be the health care professional that deeply cared and connected and from my experience of ending this chapter, this is what I see in others eyes reflecting back at me while thanking me for what I have done for them. I have so much more to learn, yet when I look at it all in the bigger picture I am amazed at what I have created just by choosing and acting on what felt right for me.  I have said a lot of your welcomes but really I should be thanking them. Most have welcomed me in their homes everyday and have put their trust in me, they have shared fears and dreams and have had me giggling in moments where I really needed to laugh and soften.  I experienced life in here out there on a huge palate mixed with many many shades and colors.  There were some days that were not so much fun and some people who challenged me while they were struggling with their own movement in their own bodies. I was many a time a loading dock where some would unleash their fustrations. I learnt quickly and still am what boundries are and how to express them in ways that respect the human condition and human potential. For myself first and then for them.  I have come face to face with many aspects of myself.   When it rains and shines at the same time the universe creates a rainbow that when you look at it you can’t help but feel warm inside and excited. Well this experience kind of feels the same, like the opposite forces that are coexisting are there creating something so amazing.   I showed up. For better or for worse I showed up.   So tomorrow I will celebrate my last page in this chapter and no doubt will have more to write as I let go and create more space for my next chapter.  So I secretly say thank you deeply to all the patients who have touched my life and taught me how to love and take care of my body and my self and who taught me that we all need support as we become more. Supporting ourselves and allowing others to offer support to us. With much much RIG XO

Standing alone

I stand alone this morning in this realization that my life is mine and I cannot “fix” or “help” anyone person no matter how much they mean to me. I cannot make them see differently and choose differently, until they are actually ready to choose for themSelves. I stand alone with this overwhelming feeling of despair and I choose to own that, as it is all mine. That’s all I can do: be mySelf and know that I am scared and it hurts and it sucks and I wish I could… and at the same time knowing that You are your own Godforce and you need to live the life of your choosing and I need to respect that.

Interesting how at the same time what shoes up is “what makes you think you could? Who are you to think you could?”  – yes, that old, not quite as familiar anymore, feeling of doubt shows up.

It’s strange how this feels soooo old. This feeling of loneliness and abandonment. It’s not even helplessness, it’s just this loneliness…And another wave comes…and it comes with a fire breath. And now my body is stable and I know I am more, and I am ready to create another day where I get to be ME! That IS quite an amazing life.

Wonderful day ladies!

Be

creating my own life

I am discovering new shifts in me lately as I am moving through another transition in my outside world, I know that I am also experiencing a transition in my inner world. The process of being willing and able to listen and trust without a doubt that my inner world is reflected on my outer world and that my inner world offers without trying messages on how to move forward is becoming so much more evident. A couple weeks ago I had an insight pop up out of no where of a mistake that I had done without realizing it. Later when I checked my email I had gotten an email around the same time that I had that pop into my awareness. What is that? It just goes to show me that we are far bigger than what we know. This whole notion of become something in the outer world has been really making huge shifts in my experience over the last little while for me. I am finding myself making new choices that go against my old beliefs of what I should be and what I should do. These new choices are mine and by my own creation from my spirit. I know that becuase I recognize the shift and how right it feels to me. Engaging my outter world seemed so challenging and yet now it seems so much easier for me. I am currently entering a new conversation around the topic of life partner. I am looking forward to engaging that conversation outload with someone who is in my life. The impulse has been presenting for me to engage that conversation and I started too recently. The invitation for it to continue was matched. I am excited to see what I can manifest for myself in it. I am happy to be part of this site. I am also very happy to have been introduced to this perspective/ body of knowledge. I have tried it for myself and have ended up creating my own path discovering what I really want and not feeling badly for it if it doesn’t match up with what I was taught I should want. There is always more and this is my own personal journey of me. Everyone else is on their own and I am glad to share mine with others and have others share theirs with me.

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