I’ve been traveling a lot lately with a team of people. I find myself with a great need to fit-in and it puzzles me why. Why do I need to be one of the “guys”, why it is not ok for me to just be myself and be ok with that? I just realized that throughout my life I always felt that I was different, I always felt (and feel) that I don’t belong, that I am different and it just struck me that it is me that makes that judgement on ME. No one tells me that I don’t belong, that I am weird, that I am different – I do that to myself and this statement, in my mind, has a very negative connotation. For some reason I feel that I must belong, I must be accepted, I must be understood and so I try to make myself fit in and it doesn’t work because it’s not me. So I beat myself up and I feel like crap and I forget that I am a Godforce  in this physical universe and that what I am experiencing is an opportunity for me to become more.

Does it make a difference when I remember who and what I am? Yes it does. It reminds me that we are ALL that. It reminds me that even though I think that I am different in fact we ALL are different. We all have our own reasons to do things and it is ok.

I wake up and try to remind myself and ask how does the Godforce that I am choose to live today and I look into my eyes when I brush my teeth and try to find mySelf in there and I take a deep breath and I choose. I choose from the place where I need to feel good about my life at the end of the day and know that I did not give up on ME, not for the need to fit in or any other reason. And what it is that I don’t give up on? It’s the knowing inside of me of what is important and right for me in THIS moment. Maybe it isn’t right for someone else and maybe they would do it differently and it doesn’t matter as MY life is ALL about me not someone else!

Beata

Somehow, it all seems pretty funny to me, when I think of it… I have the image of a cartoon-like caboose hanging on for dear life to the engine of a great train blowing steam, in hot pursuit of a new way of being down an uncertain track… not willing to not be part of the  unknowns that it will meet along the way. When the engine chooses to slow down to a stop, then the caboose actually discovers that it can, indeed, catch up.

Paradoxically, none of it is true! Interconnected, there is nothing for the caboose to catch up to; caboose and engine and everything in between is the continuum, the process of being ONE. The rest is all illusion. Maybe, even that is, too. Our illusions are the ‘stuff’ of how we define our lives as ‘real’, yet none of it, to me, is ‘real’.

Yup! It IS all pretty funny… and makes ‘real’ – for me – my experience of my life as being ONE  in the fast lane! )

Life.

Day by day; minute by minute.

Choice. Moment by moment.

Evolution; growth;

More!

Consolidation; body and soul.

Breath by breath.

Joy.

Life!

Wirth RIG, Beata

Part of being human is embracing all of it. The integral moments and the not so integral moments. And yet in just being honest with the layer I am being integral. I am not perfect. Yet I keep trying to be. It sneaks up on me. This fire energy is transformation of a new layer of expression.

Sometimes I don’t like my job. Most times I do but sometimes I don’t.  On the days I don’t I usually end up doing much more than I should and all the quality of my experience is drained. The quantity of tasks is great…and even the quality of the tasks…but the quality of my experience is nil. Then I feel drained and firey. The whole purpose of what I do is lost in the human to human connection. I am valued as an employee but I am valuing myself as a human. Nothing is black and white so where in the day can I choose differently where I achieve but also create a meaningful experience doing so.

In healthcare a doctor has to decide when comfort care promotes the quality of life more than treatment care.  To me I say why not try…its the whole fight for your life thing yet I know we continue on. I remember my grandmother telling me that when you get older the medical industry doesn’t try anymore becuase your old. Why bother right.   Then I look at the worlds greed and budgets with healthcare and I wonder.  If I was a senior with dementia I can’t choose if I want surgery and how does a doctor know what my outcome will be. They don’t..they only know probable. There are so many sides to this coin. Personal directives are there for a purpose but even those don’t reflect what we want in the now.  The decision for a doctor is a heavy one. I certainly wouldn’t want to make that decision or council a family one way or the other. As a nurse I am really not sure where I stand with it all either and its not a conversation I would even dare to engage with a family.  Part of my transition from new grad to experienced nurse is that I an not only integrating skills and theory but I am also creating bigger views of it all. Intention behind creation. Expansion behind development.  Right now I am just noticing all this.

New questions always lead to more

So whats next? I accomplished the new tasks and challenges of this type of position. I learnt the policies and integrated lots. And now I am just doing, So whats next?

How can I create a different experience and get back to my peace of mind and heart in my day where I am smiling again.

How can I ponder without perfectionizing and how can I stop being hard on myself…..

What will light me up?

What amazing things have I experienced and accomplished so far on this journey of me? Maybe focusing on those would be better

honestly, authenticaly….moi

My “job” that I choose to engage has been quiet an amazing experience in a lot of ways.  Geriatrics has been surprizingly a very rewarding experience for me. Challenging to my whole belief system and spacious enough to expand my wings. Learning to breathe while doing in chaos, learning to integrate mind with body while expressing spirit under increable responsibilities(to a new grad).  Learning to breathe and express in a large group dynamic where “office politics” or “many family systems all come together to engage” while still creating a warm inviting experience. Feeling emense respect for my coworkers and seeing the spirit through the filters.  Its created quiet an amazing experience of work.  I do hold somewhat of a leadership position and had struggled with that when I first started. When your dealing with others health and wellbeing with other people it can get a bit firey at times as most nurses know for themselves.  I looked back on my own experience of the managers I have had and my experience of myself with them and have chosen to engage differently. Remembering my insights and thoughts from being on the other end I am engaging differently.  Not out of struggle and survival  to preform harder but instead of genuine respect for the people who choose to invest their own time in the kind of job that will invite many beliefs and emotions to express. Its not about gain this type of work….or survival … it really is self discovery, love, compassion and being present with other people. In this industry the people just so happen to be at points of their lives where they are letting go of old because their bodies have manifested the messages to do so. It leaves a very vunerable essence to it.  I put everything I have into the hours I spend at work. I put a lot of energy into being proactive, using my experience and knowledge to speed up the healing process, to be the best I can and to engage with others in RIG.  I have had opportunities to engage or not engage differently.  With awareness.  I am on my feet all day and the last hour of my day I ususally spend it connecting with a senior. The other day I sat with a lady who was in a sense of panic all day and taught her how to focus on her breathing. Heartburn….air breathe. We walked and talked and breathed. I wrapped her up in a warm blanket and sat with her out in main area (out of the seclusion of her room) and gave her my presence. Medical aspect of her care is sending her for a mental assessement, weening her off narcotics, giving her heart burn meds and relaxing meds to help with the physical layer but the other layers can be engaged as well….and really thats where the difference happens! I watched her tiny face breathe the rhythmic breathes I taught her and saw her wrinkles relax.    

I used to struggle with the medical industry and my new found beliefs around health and its really come to integrate quiet nicely for me. In school I was wonderful at memorizing and retaining info yet I had no clue what to do with it all in the real world. It hasn’t been easy integrating and has taken me to places of great uncomfort and choas in my self but the more I let go and relaxed into it it really did all come together.  Experience! Tools to integrate with self into expeirence in an area that feels meaningful to engage and be in. As a result I have had wonderful  “feed back”.  Which to me means alignment.

In relationships with men, I still have not met the one. I have however come to a place where it feels so much easier for me to engage who I am in places and with people where it was hard before and I feel excitement and delight in noticing as I experience it all differently.  I find it so much easier to coexist and expand as oppose to try to control. I have defined more of what is actually meaningful for me with the details of what I want to create for myself. I have moved many fears. But I have not quiet found THE ONE yet. I feel like I am getting so much closer. It really is true the saying you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. By kissing the frogs I got to discover in experience who I am in that aspect of myself and what is meaningful. What I will and will not put up with and what lights me up.  When I ponder the whole thing I can feel this peace in my essence when I think about the right one. It doesn’t contain a good enough person but rather just a sensation of me inside with someone. I have more to integrate in experience until I get there…and only becuase I say so and know so.  Trusting my truth of it all knowing I created it in other areas of my life already! Was worth the wait and the energy I put into to creating it.  TIMING is everything. Not by chance or destiny but when its the right time for you in where you are in your experience of yourself.  

The layers of who we are (what we consider good and bad) are not to correct or fix or be more worthy….they are simply just details and parts of potential new experiences. Being softer allows me experience who I am..the essence…. in my daily life while being completely aware of what layers are and where they come from and how to let go and transform them into new ones that feel right at the time. EASE.

The air feels crisper lately and I am enjoying laying here on my couch in my pjs on a lazy saturday afternoon with no commitments.  Today is my day of resting and relaxing. Thanks for reading. xo

Over these past few days I have been quite surprised — in a good way — to find that I am enjoying what I have created for myself in returning to work.  True, it’s not the same experience of waking up whenever I want, sitting outside enjoying the sun, spending time during the day painting, exploring, visiting with family and friends.  No more afternoon naps. 

And yet I find that I am almost excited – at least feeling a new sense of energy and hopefulness – at having the opportunity to create something new within the organization.  This is an opportunity I created by choosing to leave and take a break.  By taking a break I gave myself the time and space to relax, to move at a difference pace.  By taking a break, my colleagues had the opportunity to evaluate what was really important to them.  Did they want to complete the project; was it meaningful for the organization?  When I started thinking about returning to work, I became clear about what I needed in order for my role to be meaningful to me, and as it turns out, my boss and others agreed. 

In my experience during this first week back, people seem excited at the framework I am creating, at seeing what may be possible for the portfolio, for their teams, and even for them within a larger context and longer term view. 

It’s been a great experience this week and definitely different from what I was expecting.   And while I was sure I didn’t want to work, and equally sure that I needed to, I allowed myself to take the time, space and stillness to just breathe and listen for came up within me.  And in this moment, I know that the process of breathing and listening has given me this current experience, which is obviously what I need in this moment.  Yet another example of learning there are so many possibilities.  I can paint and experience people valuing my art.  I can work in a “job” where I have the space to create something and enjoy my time there.  Who knew?

It all makes me excited to see else I can create and experience as possible for me!

There is so much mixed information about the weather; no one
is able to accurately predict what will happen when the storm hits – how high
will the winds be? how much rain we can expect? how long will it last?.  We end up with the meteorologist (experts) information
mixed in with the media’s effort to spin a good story and the natural
unpredictability of weather so no one really knows what to expect.  I have discovered the same in life.  The truth of any situation is often lost in
the desire to spin a “good” story or to spin the story that holds you to an old
view of yourself.

We all know (or may even be one) of those people who were
once a victim (crime, abuse, etc.). They are always talking about what so and
so “did” to them.  Someone is always
doing stuff to mess up their life and it never occurs to them that maybe they
continue to create “I’m a victim” because they know it so well and they can
play the role to perfection, making them appear to always o be “right”.  Because being “right” is where many believe our
personal power lies.  Maybe it does or
maybe not.  For most of my life being “right”
drove every experience I engaged in.  I
have come to know I only know the truth of my experience and the insights that
flow when I allow mySelf to lead.

I can chose to put all my energy towards “trying” to predict
the outcome of events, working hard to prepare for the event and mitigate any
risk, but in the end, no one really knows (or can predict) the true outcome of
any event or experience.  When I chose
this route, most times I’m left frustrated and wondering how I can work harder
to make it happen according to plan.
This is an exhausting way to live, leaving little room for the
expression of my own creativity (my true self) in the moment.

This is where trust becomes the most powerful state of
being.  As I “let go” of the need to prepare
for and predict (control) the outcome and I learn to simply trust myself, I create
more space for the unpredictable.  Trust opens
me to the “art of the possible” and allows me to respond in the moment from a
place of truth with “real time” information. Instead of always looking back and
trying to move forward using strategies grounded in the experience from my past,
I move forward as an expression of on what I know in the moment, guided by the
godforce that I am in collaboration with my body and all the knowledge in the
universe.

I have worked as a project manager for almost 20 years,
applying structured tools and techniques to plan and control the outcome of projects
(series of events).  I believe my clients
expect me to be able to plan and control the work through to a successful delivery,
to foresee risks and define plans to mitigate the risk (i.e. if this happens,
we do this or if this happens we do this.).
Although this work is very
structured and formal, I’ve come to see how under all the plans, risk
assessments and status reports there is a knowing that we cannot plan and
predict the outcome with any degree of accuracy.   Very seldom does what is executed, equal
what was in the baseline plan.  On a day
to day basis I find myself talking to client about planning for the known and
ensuring we have a process for managing changes to the plan because we all know
there will be changes.  As the project
progresses and the work unfold, things always change which allows for the
creative element of project work.  There
has to be space for the plan to change to allow space for creativity which is
the collective expression of the unique gifts and talents of the project team.  For years now, I have called that space “contingency”,
which is a percentage of the total project budget set aside just in case the
plan needs to change.  Contingency is really
accounting for the true nature of the human experience – unpredictable.

A few months ago I moved back into project management full
time and I have found a new sense of joy in my work.  I find I’m highly productive as I move through
each day in flow (connected) with my true Self.
I have loads of energy and find work fascinating.    In
this moment it all makes perfect sense to me.
I’m an excellent PM and I have great relationships with my clients
because they trust me and they trust me because I trust myself.  The more grounded I am in myself and the more
I let go and trust the godforce that I am, the more empowered I am in my life.  Me showing up in my work is so easy and so
natural, my work has become easy and natural.
What an amazing way to live!!